Southern Comfort

What's that you say? I haven't returned your call yet? Still waiting on that e-mail reply? Sorry, sucka! I was on vacation, and though others may like to stay connected to facets of their daily routine, I desperately needed to unplug for a while. LabRat and I spent a week down at his parents' house in Georgia for the 4th of July holiday, and I spent a great deal of that time doing exactly what I wanted: A whole lot of not working.

We left St. Louis on a rainy Wednesday night; or a very early Thursday morning if you want to get technical. LabRat likes to take a rental car when he goes to the homestead to avoid putting miles on his own and to make sure that any road mishaps are (theoretically) covered. It's always somewhat of a gamble as to what make and model he gets, and this time, it was a Ford Fusion. Let me just say that if you're in the market for a new automobile, take a good, long look at the Ford Fusion. And then turn away and find something that doesn't suck quite so hard. The Fusion gets two thumbs down. Actually, four thumbs down if you count both of us.

We initially hoped to make the drive overnight to avoid traffic, but LabRat was too tired to go straight through, so we took a power nap in the car in a PetSmart parking lot in Paducah, Kentucky. There's a sentence I'll never need again. Another first came with a quick bite at Chick Fil-A, in which I'd never set foot before. They sure do have a lot of chicken. Once again, the only traffic headache was Chattanooga, which is rapidly climbing my list of Least Favorite Cities. I spent most of the rest of the trip sleeping, so it seemed like no time before we were winding our way up the long driveway, surrounded by the forest that LabRat's family insists is filled with animals. It's starting to become quite the little joke that the animals apparently dance around everyone else a la Cinderella, but when I show up, they all go into hiding. The rest of the day was just spent unwinding and playing with LabRat's precocious niece.

Friday was Independence Day proper, and LabRat's parents had their traditional BBBQ. There was row upon row of food, from the ribs smothered in the seven-sauce blend to various corn, potato, or pasta salads, to the dining room table groaning under the weight of eight kinds of dessert. People flooded the house. Not all of them were invited or friends of LabRat's parents, so I kept my wine glass by me at all times, trying to prepare myself for the eventuality of a "Oh, so you're a gay, Jewish, scientist -- let me tell you what's wrong with all three of those things" kind of conversation. Fortunately, it never came. Unfortunately, the combination of wine and over-eating knocked me out, and I had to go crash for a while. When I came to, most everyone was gone, so LabRat and I busted out the fireworks we had bought on our way down. They're illegal to shoot off in St. Louis, so I was jazzed to buy one of those kits that has a bunch of big, impressive explosives, plus some sparklers for the kids. The one called "Junior Redneck" called to me, but turned out to have some duds. Boo! We managed to keep ourselves entertained until the professional ones were set off some five miles away. Being on the side of a mountain, we could see them clearly, but they were so far away that we couldn't hear them. Silent fireworks are a very eerie phenomenon.

Saturday, LabRat, his dad, and I took a drive up to Brasstown Bald, the highest point in Georgia. It's said that on a clear day, you can see Atlanta from the tower on the peak. Our day was somewhat hazy, but that certainly didn't seem to impede the view much.

We strolled around for a while, then went back home to enjoy some frosty margaritas, which soon became a continuing theme for the week. There were plenty of BBBQ leftovers to enjoy, and cleanup is a breeze when rib bones are simply tossed over the balcony for the phantom animals to come claim. LabRat's Brother: "They're out there! You are not going home until you spot a deer."

Sunday, we had to have church. Yes, church was mandatory. Happily, "church" at the LabRat homestead dispenses with the whole dress-up-go-out-and-worship ritual, and simply means homemade biscuits, sausage, eggs, and fruit. Then, you hang around in your pajamas for as long as you want. Now that's a religion I can get behind. I was happy to be present for the founding of a sub-sect of Church -- Shrimp Night. Although LabRat would be happy with shrimp as the appetizer, main course, side dish, drink, and dessert, the rest of the family and I thought some actual vegetables would be nice, and we stopped by a produce stand for some corn. Corn's not in season right now, and the meager selection they had looked quite pitiful. It wasn't a total loss, as the stand itself was arranged so nicely, I had to take a picture.

A second produce stand gave us no better results, and LabRat's dad decided we were going to drive to Murphy, North Carolina on the hope that the third time would be the charm. Now, I have a yen to visit all fifty states at some point, and although I've made good progress, there are large chunks of the country I have yet to get to. North Carolina was one of those states, and I'm nerdily thrilled that I'm able to check it off the list now. True, the entirety of my North Carolina experience was: Drive in. Buy corn. Drive out. I guess it doesn't sound very impressive, but I was happy with it, and hey... We found some good corn, which we took home, lined up, husked, and competed to see who could throw the empty husks the furthest. Oh, yeah. I totally won. The line to pay homage to my studliness forms at my left.

LabRat's mom got busy boiling and frying the shrimp, and his sister-in-law went to town on the salad vegetables. I envied her chopping frenzy; it takes me forever to dice tomatoes. Once we were suitably stuffed with shrimp, LabRat and I attempted the day's crossword puzzles, and managed to complete one of them with no mistakes. In pen! On a Sunday! Come on, that's awesome.

Monday, LabRat's aunt took us on a float trip down the Toccoa river. Although the bugs feasted on me so much I'm still scratching, it was a grand time. LabRat's aunt is family in more ways than one, and we chatted about Pride and various other exploits as we floated. The mega bonus is that we were the only three people on that section of the river. Float trips suck when you're surrounded by other people, and it was terrific having the entire river to ourselves. Plus, the recent rains had raised the water level, and we only had to stand up a couple of times. After the float, we stopped by a local haunt for a fatty cheeseburger and fries, which in no way dissuaded me from tearing into my steak and potatoes later that night. Not eating potato skins must run in LabRat's family, as I'm the only one who ate mine. The other skins went over the balcony for the phantom animals, one of which actually had the good grace to show himself. A cute little possum came out to leisurely munch on the skins, and while it wasn't as exciting as the bear that I'm told roams around, it was at least something.

Tuesday, LabRat's dad hooked up his boat to his truck, and took us down to Blue Ridge Lake for some boating and fishing. It being a Tuesday after a holiday weekend meant that again, we didn't have much company, which is all good by me.

This was only the second time I've ever been fishing, so of course I didn't get anything. In fact, there was only one bite all day, and it was so small, LabRat's dad threw it back. Eh, that's OK. We sped around the lake for a bit, LabRat spinning dreams of buying one of the million-dollar cabins on the shore. Then it was back to the house to get cleaned up for our one dinner out. A Japanese steakhouse opened in the nearby town of Ellijay, so LabRat, his mother, father, aunt, brother, sister-in-law, niece, and I headed down there. After that, LabRat and I met his aunt at her gorgeous cabin and sat out on the balcony, looking out at the view and nursing some wine.

Since we'd kept ourselves so busy out in Nature, we took Wednesday as a layabout day. Much television was watched. Library books were dispatched with. Nieces were played with. Dora the Explorer featured heavily. LabRat's mom made brisket for dinner, showing me the recipe that she had gotten from the one Jewish couple ever to live in the county. Heh.

And then Thursday rolled back around, and it was time to come home. Did driving through Tennessee suck yet again? And how! Chattanooga is really good at tearing roads down. If you ever need traffic cones scattered across the interstate, they're your guys. Actually repairing and reopening the roads is still a bit beyond them. Going through Nashville at rush hour was a breeze compared to Chattanooga. The setting sun gave Kentucky a beautiful glow, and as always with Illinois, anything that isn't Chicago is boring as shit. Finally, we crossed the river, and the Arch welcomed us back home. It's cheesy, but it's always heartening to see it on the way back from a trip.

Now, it's a week of work before it's off for another family visit, this time a weekend in Kansas City to see Veruca and Monkey. Man, I needed that time off, and it worked out really well. It was a wonderful, rejuvenating trip -- sunburn, insect bites, and all. Sure, I feel like I've gained ten pounds, but hey... Now I can return your phone call without secretly wanting to throw myself out the window.