Limecrete's Mini Movie Review - 2012

WARNING! HERE BE SPOILERS!

-2:55 PM
Limecrete has the day off, and LabRat has come up with a plan to skip out on his lab so that we can catch an early showing of 2012. Traffic on the way to LabRat's building sucks so hard, Limecrete almost finds himself wishing for global apocalypse.

-4:00 PM
Previews. Ah, apartheid and soccer. There are two things I'm burning with desire to see in the same movie. The only thing it's missing is Claire Danes.

-4:12 PM
An acquaintance of one of the main characters is murdered. The entire news media is full of nothing but stories of the death, even though nobody knows it's murder, the guy wasn't terribly important, and there are nascent hints of... Oh, I don't know... GLOBAL DESTRUCTION. But hey, I can see how "Car Crash Kills One" would capture the world's attention.

-4:21 PM
The president of the United States dismisses everyone from the room except heads of state. One wants to keep a translator present, but President Danny Glover assures him his English will be good enough for this announcement. He then launches into a speech that includes the words "concerted" and "validity", because those are totally words that every non-native speaker learns the on the first day of English class.

-4:35 PM
Take that, old people who drive!

-4:44 PM
Unexpectedly harsh sight: I know it's been eight years, but I'm not ready to see people hanging from office buildings by their fingertips as entertainment just yet.

-4:47 PM
California and wide swaths of Nevada are gone.

-4:49 PM
Various politicians and scientists argue about whether to inform the public of what's going on. Um, guys? Hundreds of millions of people are dead, and we're already down to about 45 states. I think people may be on to you.

-4:52 PM
An enormous volcanic explosion erupts twenty feet from the main character and his seven-year-old daughter. Seven-year-old daughter: "What was that?!?" Wow, I know you're a kid and everything, but try to keep up.

-5:22 PM
A plane gets enveloped in a huge cloud of dust and ash, then vrooms right out with no apparent ill effects. LabRat grumbles in his seat. We can suspend a buttload of disbelief, but movie characters still need to be bound by some semblance of scientific law.

-5:32 PM
Crabby air traffic controllers whine at the escaping main characters until they are consumed by fiery death. There's a time to be dedicated to your job, and there's a time to say "Fuck it". It's not like you'll be getting your paycheck in the mail at the end of the month.

-5:39 PM
The movie asserts that taking time in the middle of imminent death to pray is both a noble action, and the direct cause of your imminent death. Weird.

-5:47 PM
Unexpectedly tender sight: It's refreshing to see a character in a disaster movie realize that all hope is lost, then spend some precious time telling family members how much they are loved, rather than running out the clock with wisecracks and attempts to outrun tidal waves.

-5:55:30 PM
"No matter what, we're going to stick together! Whatever comes, we'll face it as one!"

-5:55:36 PM
"Oh, you need me elsewhere? No problem!"

-5:59 PM
LabRat develops a crush on the Russian pilot. Limecrete curiously finds himself rooting for the fake-titted trophy Russian girlfriend.

-6:02 PM
Jerk character semi-redeems himself by saving his bratty son, while the kid's twin watches from safety.
LabRat: "That guy should have saved himself at that point. They're twins; you only need one."

-6:06 PM
Fake-titted trophy Russian girlfriend buys it. Damn.

-6:15 PM
Apparently the world ending wasn't enough disaster, and they spend the last half hour of the film putting the survivors in some more imminent danger.

-6:16 PM
But not the yappy little dog of course.

-6:27 PM
The characters learn that much of Africa was spared the devastation, and head there to start their new lives.
LabRat: "So we'll go there and force out all the African people who are already there."

Overall Grade: B